


Icarus

by alienbahby (sunwashigh)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Movie(s), Reader-Insert, Sleepy Cuddles, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, gender neutral reader, maybe?? - Freeform, sleepy platonic cuddling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-06-06 07:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6745357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunwashigh/pseuds/alienbahby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The pilot!reader has developed a little crush on Finn!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Encounter #1

**Author's Note:**

> bc finn needs love! the title will maybe change? idk lol

You had heard about him, hell, had even had a few encounters with him in the cafeteria when you sat with Poe. But there was still a mystery surrounding the former storm trooper. Why would he want to help the Resistance? What about the First Order? People already asked him and he gave answers: he wouldn't kill for them. He wouldn't be a part of their machine. 

It's admirable and you find yourself 'admiring' him from afar. He comes into the hangar often to talk to Poe. You're working on your own, touching up on the engine upgrades with your mechanic when he comes today. He's reading from a datapad, deep in thought. He reaches Poe's Black One, but he's not there. You don't know where the Commander is. It wouldn't surprise you if he's with the General planning the next move. You'd go next time. You're confident in your own skills now, not a quite a rookie anymore. While you're tightening a screw, you glance over seeing his back turned, scratching his head. You're glad he's got his own flight jacket now. It fits him better than Poe's old jacket, in your opinion. He turns and you focus on the X-Wing, hoping he didn't catch you staring. 

"(Y/N)!" You freeze, momentarily forgetting he knows your name. "Yeah?" You decide to come down instead of yell back and forth. He's already next to your ladder. "Have you've seen Poe around?" You shake your head, wiping your hands on your towel. "Not today. Have you?" You ask your mechanic who shakes their head. "Damn." The former storm trooper looks over to the side, trying to figure out where his friend was. You stare, only briefly, at his lips and then up to his eyes. He's looking at you now. "Do you know where I can find him?" You shrug, "Did you check with the General? They might be planning something." A grateful smile resides on his face. "Thank you." He pats your shoulder before leaving. "You're welcome." 

You know, he's sort of cute for a 'storm trooper.'

* * *

At dinner, you're sitting with your squadron, talking about your day. It's mostly about runs, what went wrong and different upgrades. You find yourself scanning the room for someone. You don't admit it to yourself that you're looking for Finn. Why would you be? You're not close. You barely know him past his history. When does come in, you keep your gaze on your table and barely look around, not wanting him to see you now. But once he walks by, your friends say hello and invite him over. 

There's an open space near you and you wish they hadn't as he sits besides you. They continue talking about their droids. You had your own droid, an R6-unit, but you two weren't as close as the others, still getting used to each other. Finn stares at his food with a pensive look on his face. You bump his gently, "Is the food better here or the First Order?" He blinks quickly, before looking up. You wish you hadn't said anything, avoiding his dark brown eyes. 

"Here, by far. I can relax while I eat?" He shakes his head, trying to say the right words. "They gave us nutrients because we needed it, but we had better things to do than eat." You frown, "That sounds awful. Sorry I asked." He smiles light, "It's alright. People are curious." He starts to eat and you try not to stare. He takes his time, though slower than you would have expected. The food is bland, makes you miss being on your home planet and getting a home cooked meal by your mother. But you're not here for the food.

"You ever find Poe?" You ask, breaking your bread in half. He glances up, swallowing. "Yeah. With the General. You were right. Thank you by the way." You laugh, feeling your face heat up. "Nah, it wasn't a huge deal." Your friend next to you nudges you a little, hearing how awkward you sound. "I'm just happy you found him." You glare at them and continue to eat. 

For the rest of the time, he's engaged in pilot conversation, though half the terms fly over his head, no pun intended. The man isn't a pilot, and only flew in a TIE fighter once. But he is loyal. He makes that clear. You don't join in, thinking of his smile. He really did smile at you earlier. And then again a few minutes ago. Touched your shoulder even! What did that mean?

He glances over at you. You register it a little late, not realizing you dazed off, staring at him. "You okay?" You smile, bigger than you should have. "I'm fine. It's been a long day." You wave off his question, cursing to yourself in your mind. "I can imagine. There's so much we have to do." He returns his gaze to his food. 

Once you're finished, you don't want to leave, even if you do have other things to work on. He's still sitting next to you. You quickly glance over to see he's almost done. Your eyes cross with his in the single glimpse and you stand, quicker than normal, bumping your knees against the table.

The man turns, alarmed at the noise while your friends watch amused at how flustered you've become. "Are you alright?" You nod, trying to hide the pain. The metal would cause gnarly bruising for sure later. He meets your eyes again and now you're frozen. You can't dart off like you tried, being injured like this. "Let me know if you need anything, (Y/N)." He goes back to the rest of his food and leaves you be.

While you head out, rubbing your injuries, you can't help but feel warm. You'd take him up on that offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks 4 reading~ im on the fence on continuing this bc of time and stuff. but we'll see :")


	2. Change of Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader gets back from a dicey mission successfully and, with the help of Finn, realizes a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im continuing this bc i love finn. ~~and also bc im spiteful.~~  
>  going with something different~ so ending change~

You're jogging behind the Commander and Captain after a successful mission. You couldn't wait to share with the Admiral your share. Snap told you great job and it was enough for you to walk around with your chest puffed out like some proud bird. Behind you, a round droid rolled to keep pace, sharing information to Dameron. He kneels letting BB-8 catch up. 

You hold your helmet, much like a child as the droid translates the data you, personally, got a hold of. You stop, processing it. Base coordinates, what kind of base was unclear. "Keep a hold of that info, buddy." Poe stands, patting the domed head. You all walk now and you steal glances around. The base is busy as ever and you haven't had a chance to go boast about this mission, one of your first! 

Dameron and Snap talk to each other, quietly while you walk. You keep your distance with the droid, but want to jump in between. You're as much a part of the squadron as they are. Through your pouts, you keep a small steady conversation with BB-8. "You're very welcome." The droid whirs, complimenting your flying and the nice eye for enemy clues. You shrug them off with an easy smile, trying to keep your pride low. On the inside, you pump up your fist, gassing yourself up. Just wait until they heard your side of what happened.

* * *

The Command Center is colder than you remember. You give a small nod of acknowledgement to your technician friends as you follow your superiors. The General stands near the center, datapad in hand, trying to plot out next moves with Finn and others. You deflate your ego as his eyes meet yours. In your mind, he's too humble. And you should be the same. Yes you were a little reckless, hovering a little too long for that shiny thing, but look what that got them? Keeping your eyes forward, you make a mental note to see for upgrades for your droid. She's slow on translations and holograms, but you'd make her work. You don't like her getting showed up by BB-8 no matter the rank of his master. 

The General smiles, saying your name. You for a moment find yourself in awe of her demeanor. You've heard stories. Everyone has, but she's real. Your uncle served in the Civil War, telling those fables about the woman in front of you. You wonder if she remembered him. Maybe you'd ask later once all the mission business was over. He'd be delighted to hear she remembered him, if she did. "What you did was brave, if not a little venturesome, but with this we have more intelligence on what the First Order is doing. And for that I thank you." You try not to smile too big, don't want to hurt your cheeks. The Commander pats your shoulder. 

While you try to keep your cool, she gives her attention to Poe and his droid. Translating the material wouldn't be too hard. C3PO could at least try. You listen in as she tries her best to come up with the next steps. The golden droid is out at the moment, helping with maintenance droids. With the base coordinates and known maps, they chart the next mission.  
"We don't move until we know what this base holds. We can't afford to go without knowing what we're up against." The blue hologram holds your attention for a few seconds before you realize that across is the former Storm trooper. You look everywhere but his direction, but every once in a while, flick your eyes over to see if he's still looking. 

And he is.

You find yourself grimacing when you do check. What is he looking at? Why can't he look at the highlighted piece, the base? While they come up with various strategies, the General's droid returns. "Ah, General. I've fixed the situation with the- Oh! What is this?" C3PO stares at the map for only a few seconds before translating with BB-8 could not. You listen, standing on your toes. 

While he translates, Finn finally speaks up. "I've been here before." His voice is shaky, and he's visibly upset. Dameron is at his side in moments, "What's wrong Finn?" You wish you were the commander, able to move to his side with ease. Your legs turn to stone. 

"It's a mining base. I went only once. The people don't want to work for the First Order..." Your eyes focus on the hand on his shoulder. Oh. Your heart sinks as you continue to listen. "They want to compromise. But they can't. If they talk, they get killed. It's happened before... I couldn't shoot." His voice is hoarse. 

"That's alright buddy. You did the right thing." Poe looks out at the group. "So we go in, but we have to be careful. There are innocent people around. We're only there to get rid of the First Order." His hand leaves Finn's shoulder. "(Y/N). Sit this one out. It'll be dicey." Your eyes widen and you begin to protest. "Trust me kid. I don't want to lose a good pilot when I don't have to." He gives you a chummy smile as he leaves.

You stand there, upset of course. Your high doesn't last very long before reality kicks in. "So you found the data?" You nod, albeit slow. "Yeah. Captain said I probably shouldn't've. Said I could have died. But instead I came back victorious." You shrug, not wanting to talk to him.  
"Well now we can save those innocent people. I don't know the full predicament of their treatment, only what I saw for a few hours... My squad killed so many... And then negotiations were just kill off the rebels." Finn tsks. "I only wished I knew the coordinates sooner!" 

You plaster a fake smile, still frustrated you could go in and help. "It's better that we at least know now." You rest your hand on his shoulder before pulling it away, remembering. You couldn't ask if he and Poe were a thing. Not in this setting at least. "Are you going on this mission?" You ask, holding on tight to your helmet. He shakes his head. "I don't think it'd be a good idea." His dark eyes look past you. Whatever happened affected him deep. In this small moment, you declare that you would fight against the enemy for what they did to your friend. "You're probably good here too." You suggest with a small laugh. He laughs too and the look in his eyes disappears to your humble delight. "Thanks." 

When the silence comes you fumble with your helmet. You wish you had half the charisma of your commander. "What are you going to do during the mission?" He asks. You make a face, not sure. "Probably write up my mission statement, work on my X-Wing... It took a beating with the debris." He crosses his arms, tilting his head back. "What about you?"  
He shrugs, "I'll have to stay in here, help them with what I can remember." 

"I bet whatever you can remember will be a great help for them. For us I guess." You try not to sound defeated about not being able to go, but fail. "It feels like forever ago. Things could have changed. All I know is that they've complained before. I don't know why they'd complain again." Your droid finally catches up to you, beeping more information than you needed. The message is old, could be a trick. Your eyes widen, heart sinking. You didn't mean to lead them into a trap. 

"Is Commander Dameron still around?" She answers with an affirmative beep. You shake your head, trying not to get upset. "You go and tell him. I'll go... and find the General maybe." She rolls off, leaving you two alone.  
"You were right." You quaver, turning to him. "The message is old. I should have left it... If they negotiated a while ago, do you think the base would still be active?" He looks off, trying to figure it out. "Probably, but since we destroyed the weapon, those who survived are most likely using the colony as something more..." 

Your eyes meet, thinking the same thing. "I'll go tell General Organa."  
"I'll tell Poe."  
"Meet back here?"  
You pause at the invitation. Sure it's the command center, but still. He wants to see you again. For planning purposes, of course. The corners of your mouth still perk up slightly and you nod. 

You hope that no one would blame you for a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! I'm getting used to writing him and the reader so feedback would be nice ✨


	3. Don't Let It Get To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding out the new information, the reader and Finn inform the others who come up with a new plan. Once that's settled enough, the reader and Finn attempt to make plans to talk more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still getting used to writing his character~ but im looking forward to where it's going.

The hangar buzzes with energy when you arrive. Your droid is still rolling to Poe and you easily catch up. He's chatting with his mechanic with BB-8 at his side. "Ah, (Y/N). We were just talking about you." He smiles, giving you his full attention. His mechanic chimes in, "Your X-Wing took a beating for that info. We're assigning two people to work on it for you." 

You return the smile, thankful, when your R6 starts beeping what she knows. The welcoming smile turns into a furrowed brow and frown. You want to disappear, knowing it's a lecture is coming. "An old message. So this colony could be inactive?" You shake your head, "More active. Since the destruction of the Starkiller Base, where do you think they're getting their resources?"  
The commander scratches his chin. "Have you told someone else besides me?" You cower slightly, "Finn. Who went to the general after we figured it out."  
"Okay. Let's go tell the Admiral and Major too." 

Your droid starts to follow, but BB-8 calls to her. She's got other things to do. You purse your lips together, not sure what to talk about with Poe. His body language is tense, but not angry. Frustrated maybe. He hadn't gotten angry--Yet. "So you and Finn figured out it was old?" He inquires, breaking the silence. You give a brisk nod. "He thought it was odd, since his mission was a while ago. And then Arsix came." He takes in all in. "I'm happy you came when you did. Could have been a blood bath." 

The General, Admiral, Major and Finn are already in the room, waiting for you and Poe. Admiral Statura looks disappointed and you avert your eyes, catching the end of Major Ematt's statement. "...it wouldn't be safe to send our fleet in when we don't know what lies there."  
"So we send a small recon ship, a simple fly over. Not with our ships..." The general's gaze go to you and the Commander as you enter. "What do you think Poe?" She asks, the table glowing projecting the map.  
"I want more information. We can't afford to lose anymore people. I like the fly over idea. But we're going to need outside resources." 

Leia gets this smirk on her face. You've seen it before, but not from her. The last big meeting, the late Han Solo. "I'll see what I can do." 

Major Ematt crosses his arms, "It'll be dangerous. We need a good pilot, but one that knows that this could end up in death or worse." You suck in a deep breath, wanting to ask what's worse.  
Poe nods, "I'll find someone." 

You're secretly glad you're not that someone. "When you get them we'll continue planning." Statura replies, turning the map off. In a quieter voice he leans close to the General. You imagine he says something along the lines of 'he hopes she knows what she's doing.' You turn to go to the hangar with Poe when she calls your name. "You can go Poe. I want to talk to (Y/N)." You clench your jaw, hoping that your lecture wouldn't come from her. You didn't know the information was on there and that it's old. Finn stays too. You assume it's because he helped figure it out.

Her smile is warm and you want to look away, embarrassed. "I know you're probably agitated over the new foundings, but without it, still, we wouldn't have been able to find this place in need. And with you," she turns to Finn, "we wouldn't have known the First Order's purpose with the asteroid."  
"I just wish I had more information," he responds, giving you a quick look.  
"Same. If I had known, I wouldn't've took the bait." 

"It's alright." She sighs, "I have faith that we'll find someone who will get us the right information for us to properly go." You shift your weight, wondering where this is going. "I just don't want you to go beat yourself up. It was brave, dangerous, and gave us something more to work to work with." She pats your shoulder. "You can go now." You bow slightly before turning to go. 

It's hard not to be angry about what happened. You stare off as you head to your room, wanting to hit the refresher. You'd stay in there for a long time, maybe until the guilt left you. A hand on your shoulder brings you back. "Are you okay?" You sigh heavy. "I wish I didn't grab it." You gesture forward, wanting to walk still. Finn follows, walking at your side. "Was this your first mission?"  
You think 'rookie' is written all over your face. "First major mission."  
"You weren't at the Starkiller Base?"  
You shake your head. "I wasn't able to." They kept you in the planning room due to your battlefield inexperience. You could at least be a base technician while on no-fly.  
"I see. Well, you succeeded in something."  
"In what?"  
"In living."

You smile, glancing over at him. "I suppose you're right." He smiles back, "Look at that smile." You look away, heat rushing to your cheeks. "It's a nice one."  
"Thanks." You roll your eyes, trying to figure out what to say back. "You've got a nice one too."  
"Thank you." 

You two walk in silence the rest of the way. 

"If you ever wanna talk. About anything..." You knit your eyebrows together, listening. He struggling to put the sentence together. Is he nervous? "Yeah sure." You tilt your head to the side. "If you're asking for a friendship."  
His eyes widen slightly, "Yeah. That's what I'm asking. You can never have enough friends."  
"I guess so." You sigh, not sure how to say goodbye. You didn't necessarily want him to leave. 

"I'll see you at dinner?" Finn asks, stepping back. "Yeah. I'll see you then." You wave good bye, watching as he goes down the hall. _Oh boy,_ you think. How would you be able to keep up another conversation when you're so tired now?

* * *

You wake up in a start, still in your jumpsuit. Did you take a shower? Your room is dark, save for the minimal light from outside. How long did you sleep. You fling yourself from your bed, turning the light on. It's late. You definitely missed dinner, Finn. You curse, your stomach growling quietly. You remember lying on your bed, trying to think of how the night could have went. Somehow you must of fell asleep. Today was exhausting. But not enough to miss dinner with Finn of all people! You shake your head. It's no use worrying now that it's over. You gathering your things, still needing to bathe.

The bathroom isn't empty, but it is enough. In the empty stall you try your best to shake your sleepiness. Your mind distracts you with the imagined dinner scenario. You weren't a klutz this time, and the conversation you shared was meaningful. You both keep each other's attention, lots of eye contact. You find out his favorite color, turns out it's yours too. He doesn't have a favorite food since different food are so new for him. You talk about your family and he listens intently, asking questions. And you ask question too, if he had friends, if they felt like family. He gets quiet and you regret opening your mouth. Eventually, he tells you about his close friends. You make up storm trooper numbers and nicknames. You imagine by his fame here, he had a lot of friends back in the First Order. You step out, sighing. If only you hadn't slept. 

You ignore people walking in and out. It's that time of night where night bathers are taking their time. Back in your room, your R6 is back. She beeps happily at you, opening her storage compact. There's a ration and a note. The ration is from her; apparently, she came in and saw you sleeping and let you be. The note is from Finn. He looked sad that he didn't see you, but she explained to him you were asleep. 

Embarrassed, you take the contents. "Thank you." She beeps, concerned about you health. You never take long naps. "I'm good. I really am." You wave off her worries, sitting on the floor besides her. Today should have been a wash day you realize, with a long sigh. You miss being at home and having your mother do your hair while you tell her about your day. 

"What did I miss?" She whirs softly, nothing. After you got back and sorted out the information, it was slow for those not going out. "Who's doing the secret flyover?"  
Iolo.  
"Hmph." Doesn't surprise you. You open the ration and start eating. Your droid rolls over to your desk, asking why you aren't dressed yet. "I'm still tired," you reply rolling your eyes. "Get dressed only to go back to bed? That's wasteful." She beeps in an argumentative tone. "You don't understand. Droids don't have to sleep." She starts in on a long binary lecture on humans being lazy. You ignore it, reading Finn's note. 

His penmanship is better than yours which makes you a little jealous. You skim it first before diving into the details. It's short and to the point. _Sorry I missed you at dinner. Maybe we can talk more tomorrow. I'll stop by the hangar and help you with your X-Wing. - Finn_  
You look up, your eyes widening. "What does he want from me?" You ask aloud, standing. You hold your towel closer and try to figure out what he'd want to talk about. 

You change, mind pondering the options. Maybe he likes you, maybe he wants to be your friend. Or maybe he wants to make sure you're not beating yourself up over today. Nonetheless, you'd see tomorrow. You push him aside, you wouldn't be able to sleep with him on your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading. next update won't be a month later hopefully :')


	4. Unique

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader shares breakfast with Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short, sweet, needed a distraction for today and everything.

You wake sluggish and with a small pain in your stomach. You groan as you roll over. Your droid beeps, asking what's wrong. "I think I didn't eat enough last night." You sit up, wiping your eyes. Usually after runs, you scarf down everything in sight. You guess missions are different. You dress to the best of your abilities, ignoring the gnawing at your stomach until it demands you with a loud growl. You growl back and wave at Arsix.   
"Let's go get some breakfast I guess."

* * *

The canteen is empty to no surprise. From the smell, you're one of the first people to arrive. You find a place to sit out of the way. You don't want anyone to see how hungry you are. Arsix gives you a short list of things you need to do. You nod at each point and beep back in a small baby like voice. She rolls back, before responding, shifting her head side to side. Whatever you said in binary didn't make sense. She suggests you get lessons. You roll your eyes, mentally preparing yourself for the day. You don't want to be jealous of those who are going, but it's hard not to still. You find yourself drifting in your thoughts, thinking of all your tools and all the hard work you'd have to do to distract yourself. 

"Can I sit here?" You nod absentmindedly, eating your food. You're calmer now, the pain gone. "You sleep well? I didn't see you last night."   
You flick your eyes over to Finn and shrug, "Like a rock. I didn't know how tired I was. And then I didn't know how hungry I was." Arsix beeps, detailing the noises your stomach makes. You shush her and shake your head. "C'mon now. That was this morning. My stomach is quiet now."   
He smiles, "Is it good today?"   
You sway in your seat and smile back, "Delicious." He starts to eat and you notice that the canteen slowly fills with others. 

"How about you? I got your note by the way."   
"Oh good. I was worried it'd be lost in translation." 

"You've got pretty handwriting." You comment. Your eyes meet for a quick moment, but not quick enough. You turn your eyes up to the ceiling and call for the maker. He's so handsome with sleep still clinging to him. You wonder what he looks like when he's sleeping, if he's peaceful. 

"Pretty handwriting?" He asks, leaning forward. "That's just the way the First Order makes us write. Everyone writes like that." You shake your head, wanting to take it back. "N-n-no. I mean, I've got the worst writing. Can't tell you how many times Snap tells me to write clearer."   
"I doubt that." He says with a small chuckle. 

You want to prove him wrong. Your plan is to write on the back of his note; however, you didn't want to show him you carried the note in your breast pocket (close to your heart? Coincidence? You don't know) and you didn't have a writing utensil. "Why do you doubt that?" You ask before shoving your mouth full.   
"I think it might be unique," he pauses with a hesitant smile, "like you." 

You put your spoon down and roll your eyes. "Are you hitting on me?"   
His smile goes away, "No. I don't think so?" 

"Then what did that mean?" You want to stop talking, seeing the confusion now setting in. Maybe you could just take a nap and just, stay away.   
"You're a very unique person." You bare a smile and start to eat again. "We're all unique in a way right?" You add with a fake laugh.   
"Of course." 

The awkward silence that sets in, slowly killing you. He rolls up his sleeves and clears his throat. You focus on the now bare forearms and wonder how they'd feel around you in a hug. You don't stare too long and look away again.   
"Are you okay?" He asks finally. 

"I still wish I was going on the mission." He sighs and then gives you a warm grin. His sleepiness has faded, replaced by his usual friendly vibe. "I'll help you with your repairs. I don't have that much to do."   
"I appreciate the thought, but--"   
"Please? It's the least I can do." 

You consider it, you really do. You want him to help, imagining how you both would reach for a tool and maybe your fingers brush and it's instant magic. "Fine." You only agree because you know you'd kick yourself later for saying no. Plus the chance that someone (Poe) would come and get him is high enough that your fantasy would not play out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading. will try to update maybe soon.


	5. Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Finn get to work, but the reader gets jealous..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. sorry for the long update wait.

The hangar isn't busy yet when you two arrive. One of the two mechanics promised to you is already at work, looking tired if not a little frustrated. You almost turn around to go to your room, or somewhere not around them. You figure from their frown, they'll lecture you. But with Finn at your side, you keep going. "So what's on the agenda?" He asks, seeing the damaged X-Wing.

"A shit ton." You reply, before covering your mouth. "Sorry."

He only laughs and pats your shoulder. "You're probably right."

You give a small wave to the working mechanic. It's the one Poe said would work with you today. You don't know their name, and they ignore your wave. A few moments later, your mechanic arrives, holding a hot cup of something and a tired smile. "You sure know how to put us to work," they say before taking a long sip.

"You make it sound like a good thing," you roll your eyes before adding, "Just tell us what to do." They eye Finn, before nodding to the chipped/dirty parts. "Most of the work that needs to be done will be towards the front and back. I see they're already working at the rear, so I'll be doing my magic here. You two go get the sander, and wash stuff. We'll paint later."

You nod and head over to a maintenance droid while Arsix stays back. Finn follows, sighing. "Sorry it's not anything fun." You figure during the cleaning, they'd need you to do the cockpit stuff. And there's always Poe coming and taking Finn from you.

"It's alright. It's seems better than reading and interpreting reports." You both chuckle. To you it didn't. You would rather read ten thousand reports than sand and wash. "There you go again... If you get bored or tired, you can go."

"I won't."

You grab the supplies, hiding a smile.

You focus on the sanding and he does the washing. Sometimes you sand a little too hard, feeling the sandpaper against your knuckles, but ignore it. You would get the real sander when Finn leaves. He's hard at work, washing away debris and dirt from the other planet. You catch him humming to himself. Curious, you lean over wanting to know if you knew that song. He stops, sighing and wiping his brow.

"Is this what you expected your day to be like?" Your mechanic asks him, still curious on why would he be helping a rookie. "No. Well not exactly. I thought I would be doing something more. Not washing."

"There's not that much to do besides restore. And then we upgrade if we can."

Finn smiles, "I want to help with that." Your mechanic chuckles, "Sure kid." They shakes their head, muttering, "When I join the Dark Side..." You give them a quick glare before moving over to Finn. "I don't think we'll be upgrading any time soon. Maybe tomorrow."

"I'll help then too."

You smile, temping to kiss his cheek. His skin looked so smooth, so perfect. How, you asked yourself. How did he look so great? Did he have a regimen? You dart your eyes back to the aircraft, staring too long. You hope he didn't notice.

* * *

 

After a while, lunch time, both your fingers are rubbed raw and you smell like wet metal and oil. It's a normal smell for you, but you see slight nose wrinkle of Finn when you two head back to the canteen. "No wonder I don't see you for hours at a time unless I go to the hangar first," he says, stretching. You only smile, wondering he did look for you ever.

You both stop at the restroom to wash up, not wanting the smell to linger longer than it has to. He takes longer than you so you wait outside. Arsix rolls over, beeping what's for lunch. It's the usual, but you like that she always tells you. "Thanks for the heads up."

He walks out yawning. "Are we tiring you out?" You ask. He shakes his head, that lovely smile appearing. "Not at all. I just spent a lot of time in my head washing. It was an interesting introspective experience."

You didn't think at all most of it, just sanding and sanding. Sometimes, you glanced over to see if he looked like he wanted leave, but he looked determined. You laugh to yourself, what a weird guy.

"What were you thinking about?"

He tilts his head to the side, "The First Order. What I'm to do now that I'm awake and not under their control."

"You're a good Lieutenant."

"I don't have a rank right now. Not officially."

"Really?" He nods as you enter the canteen. "General Organa isn't sure where to put me. She doesn't want to put me out on the field because of my back, so I've been helping with other plans. I tell whatever I can, and hopefully it will work out. But I know up until Starkiller Base blew to pieces." You both grab a tray and sit where you did earlier.

You do give a glance around to see if anyone else you knew is around. "You're still valuable if that's what you're worried about. You've got so much knowledge inside your head. I wouldn't know where to begin..." You take a bite, sighing. Your legs thank you for this break, though your back would want you to lie down or fix your posture at least. "You're too kind." He stretches his hands out and studies his palms. You imagine his fingertips pruned from the cleaner.

You glance up as Poe sits besides him. "Hey bud! Didn't see you around today. Where've you been?" You plaster a fake smile guessing that since Poe is here, Finn won't join you on the way back.

"I've been helping (Y/N) with their X-Wing."

"Oh really?" He smiles at you, "Taking extra help?"

You chuckle, shaking your head. "He offered. Plus he's just washing dirt off. Thank you again for the extra tech. They're doing wonders I can tell." Poe winks, "It's not a problem. Next mission, you'll be ready. I can feel it."

Finn fills Poe in on his introspection. You take a moment to read them, read Poe. You won't keep your crush if Poe's interested. He gives Finn his whole attention, listening carefully to his worry about his future. "Don't worry. We will help you find an area that works for you." He flashes that award winning smile. "Thanks Poe. And you (Y/N)."

"Anyway, how are you two?"

You shrug and reply, "I'm tired. It will take a while until my baby is back to normal."

"That's expected." Poe replies frowning.

"I hope that my contribution will speed up the process." Finn adds, looking at his hands again. Poe looks too, before taking his left hand, studying the lines. You look away, eating your food a bit quickly. Dammit. You know what you thought earlier, but you weren't sure if you were ready to let go. To be friends would be okay too, but--

"Your hands are so pruned. Did you show him how to clean?"

You nod, "We didn't have any breaks. There wasn't any reason too." You don't want to show him your nicked fingers.

"Be careful. Pruned fingers can hurt you later on." You hide your jealously by looking at Arsix. "Do you think we can call it an early night?" She beeps back, rocking back and forth. "I know it's only the middle of the day but I feel tired all of a sudden."

"What's wrong, (Y/N)?" You glance over, seeing that it's Finn who asked. "I think I might be coming down with something."

"A cold? I've got some drops in my room." You shake your head, putting your hand up. "Are you sure? You don't want it to become worse?" You're flattered by Finn's concern, but don't want him to know the real reason.

"A nap will help me. Don't worry Finn." You finish your food, trying to forget Poe holding Finn's hand, something you <i>could not</i> see yourself just doing. How was he so suave? They talk about the mission plans in your silence. You listen closely since you wouldn't be able to go anyway. Iolo will leave tonight, meaning a long night for them. They throw out possibilities of what will happen. "The best outcome is that they're active and not aware of Iolo and he'll be able to come back and then we go as soon as he gets back."

Finn nods, "I think we should bring someone else with him just in case. I'm not sure what survived the attack, but I know that FO outnumbers us..." Poe frowns, shaking his head. "We only have one ship available right now." Anxiety fills the space between them and you finish. "Let's just hope that it works. Iolo is a good man. Nothing will happen to him."

* * *

 

You walk to your room in a daze, processing all the information. You want Iolo to be successful. Another dead pilot would be one too many. Arsix rolls beside you, only beeping when you make the turn to your room. "I'm not feeling well remember." She beeps defiantly and goes towards the hangar. "Fine. I'll see you when you're done."

You sit on your bed, taking off your jacket. You ponder taking a nap, but know what happened yesterday when you took one. Grabbing your communicator, you think about calling home. You haven't done that in a little while. As you begin to dial, someone knocks at your door. You toss the device to the side and fake a cough. "Come in." You figure it's Poe seeing if you're really sick. Instead it's Finn. You sit straighter, heat coming to your face. "Oh? Hi? Did I forget something?"

Your mind quickly goes into romantic mode. He would smile and say, "Me." And you, watching too many holoshows growing up, would stand, hand over eyes. "Oh we shouldn't. What about Poe?" "What about him?" And he would take you in his arms and kiss you.

But this was the real world, and you were 'sick.' "No. I'm just bringing you those drops. I'll leave them around so you can take them later. You left so quickly." He lays the small pack down on your desk. Standing, you shrug, "I really just, wanted to take a nap." He doesn't smile, only concern washing over his face, brow furrowing.

"You were fine earlier." He puts the back of his hand against your forehead. You flinch back, not expecting it, but relax when he withdraws his hand. "You feel fine... Maybe we should take you to med bay?"

You shake your head, laughing lightly. "No. I'll be okay Finn. Stop worrying." You pat his shoulder, heart racing enough for you to wonder if he could hear it. "You sure? I don't want to hear that whatever you have is worsening." You suck the inside of your cheek as you think of a reply. Saying that you got the case of the green touch makes you more nervous even if it's the truth. But would he be turned off since you two were barely acquaintances in your terms?

"I'll be good as new later." You smile, sitting back on your bed. Maybe you'll tell him another time. He stares a little longer, frustrated you aren't seeing reason in your fictional condition. "Well, if you need me, I'll be in the Command Center." You nod, waving him off.

Once your doors shut, you reach out for the drops and stare at them. Growing up, your older sibling would tell you that if someone liked you, they would give you stuff and care a lot. Rolling to your side, you shake your head and the advice. He might like you, but you can't think it's romantic.

Not yet at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :') i won't take a month to update again. hopefully


	6. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader asks important questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dialogue heavy. angsty. long?  
>  **B/N** \- Baby's name :')  
>  **S/N** \- Sister's name

Iolo's reports come back positive; you've done something right. The very next day, Black Squadron and company leave. You were in the hangar, saying goodbye to one of your friends and to your idols Captain Karé Kun and Jess Pava. Jess pats your shoulder with a warm smile. "Take care of Oddy for me while I'm gone."

Karé gives you a long hug. You think of her as the older sister you never had. If she ever has time, you braid her hair. "Next time you'll be joining me," she says ending the hug, adding, "and you'll be on my squadron." You hug her again, excited by the thought of the Stiletto Squad, but know Snap would be sad to see you go.

A day passes, and there's not any feedback. There usually isn't on these type of missions. You don't count how long they take anymore.

* * *

There's nothing to do. You finished your duties early and there isn't any update that needed your attention. Technicians and your superiors are busy however so you hide out in your room. If you were on your home planet, you would be helping your mother out with your siblings. Speaking of them, you grab your communicator. You haven't spoken to them in a minute, Resistance business you know. You hold on the line, sitting on your floor. You don't know what time it is there, but figure your mother would be okay with the call anyway. A baby voice answers, pressing other buttons at the same time.

"(B/N)! Is that you, answering devices already? Growing so big while I'm away." They reply with a giggle and babbles. You make out a few words, your name, your mother, and their age. "Is Mama there?"

They positive coo and movement of the communicator lets you know that someone else is there. "(Y/N), why you calling you so late?" It's your mother and you sigh, "I didn't know what time it was there." She starts to chide you, calling you by your kiddie nickname. "Is everything fine there? You know I have to put your sibling to sleep or they'll never sleep."

"I know mama. Everything is fine. I wanted to catch up is all."

"Catch up with your sister."

Another changing of hands happens and you're greeted by a soft, unenthused voice. "Hello?"

"(S/N), how are you?"

"Boh, why are you calling? Don't you got the world to save?" She moves to a comfortable position you assume. "Nah, not now."

"Why you calling?"

"I miss you guys." You hate how sappy it sounds, but you're down that you're not 'out saving the world.'

"We miss you too. Mama wants to know if you're low of wash." "I'm not." You hear a muffled yell that you're not and she returns to the phone. "So what do you want to know?"

"How is everyone? Is Dad back yet?"

"Been back, but went out, (Y/N). Couldn't have left fast enough."

"He needs to be careful," you start your lecture. Your father isn't a smuggler, but he does ship things between galaxies and planets. He tries to stay legal, not moving drugs or slaves, but it's always hard in intergalactic trade. "You know with this war, he could be taken as a First Order prisoner."

"He likes to travel. He told our brother he was going to take him on a trip once. I laughed when I heard, sib. You know he's so space sick, queasy at the thought of flying." You chuckle, shaking your head. Your father did the same for you two, but your sister didn't enjoy it. She didn't like that part of the travel that meant working, unloading and loading the ship. You didn't mind, preferring to actually fly the ship. That's why you're here.

You move to your bed, swaying your legs back and forth as she goes on about local gossip. It's nice to hear something that isn't life or death, even if her tone about the way some person looked at her at the market is now faster, worried. Their look wasn't malicious, only a barely glance, but to her, it meant the world. "You should have seen them! I think I've seen them before... Maybe on Holovision." She giggles.

You laugh as well as you hear faint footsteps. You guess she's moving to her room, your old room so she can be alone. "So how is it there in the Resistance?" Lying back on your bed, you let out a long sigh. "I'm working all the time. I would have went on this last mission, but my Wing was pretty damaged."

"Damaged! (Y/N)!" You shake your head, adding reassuringly, "It's fine. I survived and I'm in one piece." She sighs, cursing under her breath. "Don't die. I want to visit you at least once."

"You can't just visit the base, (S/N)." She starts laughing again and you look over at your door, hearing a knock. "I think someone is here. Hold on."

It's Arsix and Finn. You clutch the communicator, "Actually gotta go. Call back soon bye." He doesn't look like he wants to stay. Your sister calls out right before you click.

"Just walking Arsix back. She's very talkitive." Finn smiles, "I didn't meant to interrupt you."

You smile back, shaking your head. "It's fine. Just my sister. Catching up." You move so Arsix can roll in and lean against the doorway. He steps back, "Well I'll see you."

Your heart skips beats as you watch him go down the hall. Dammit. You should have said something, anything to make him stay. How could make him see that you like him and want to hang out with him? Arsix chirps at you and rolls to her charge station.

"I know I know." You let the door close. "You don't like the draft."

Arsix beeps a long line of binary, giving you an update. They've arrived, but their signal is shoddy. They're playing it by ear, but it is predicted to be a successful mission. "That's good." You put your communicator away, smiling to yourself. "What did you and Finn talk about?"

Her beeps are quick, sing songy as they talked about you. Master Finn is worried that you're coming down in a depression. "Did he say depression or are you filling in?" She turns her head away from you squawking. "Sorry, sorry. I just wanted clarification."

You look over at the drops. You've only used one and know you'll waste the rest. "I'll be right back." She beeps at you, rolling from her station. "I'm not going to do anything you need to worry about. Just rest!" She doesn't let up as you grab the medicine and leave.

* * *

Finding his room is not hard, well not anymore. You and your friends used to visit his assigned room every day with notes of gratitude and small trinkets when he was in a coma. You wonder if he still has them when you knock. You open your fist, staring at the drops. You felt bad for not taking them like he wanted, but you weren't sick either. Lovesick maybe? But not medically. Beeping from behind you cause you to jump, dropping the drops on the ground. You bend down quickly, gathering them up. "Well where is he then omniscient one?" Arsix shifts and rolls the other way, not waiting for you.

He's coming from medbay, stress written on his face, but he politely smiles when he sees you. "Are you alright?" You ask, trying to gauge his mood.

"It hurts sometimes, but I'll survive. That's for sure."

You warmly smile and Arsix beeps words of encouragement. He nods down at her before moving on. "Did you need me for something?" He asks, starting to walk.

"Um, not really. Well sorta."

"Sorta?"

You hand him the drops, wishing to do this somewhere private. You weren't going to confess your feelings, but you also didn't want Arsix to be around with her side comments. "I didn't need all of them. But I appreciate you worrying about me."

He waves his hand in the air. "It's no problem. It's better to help out than wait for it to worsen."

You nod, watching as he winces with another step. "Let me help you then." You take his arm and put it around your shoulders. He shakes his head, a little frustrated. "Thanks. I'll be better later. PT is something else."

His room is like yours, except cleaner. You wonder if he keeps it this way because of his old training. You help him sit on his bed, and he sighs. Besides him sitting on his bed now, there's no living presence of earlier.

"Your room is so clean." You sit on the floor and your droid rests next to you, beeping a compliment, backhanded to you. If only you kept yours like Master Finn. "Thank you."

He takes off his jacket revealing a tan uniform shirt, a little tight around his arms. You avert your eyes, taking yours off as well. He leans over, putting the drops on his desk.

"What's your PT like?" You ask, curious. It's be a while since the doctors have had to treat lightsaber wounds.

"I mostly stretch." He kicks his legs out, careful not to hit you or Arsix and motions forward. "I hate this stretch the most. And for my shoulder, it's a lot of circular motions." He relaxes, shaking his head. "At first the pain was unbearable, but I think it's getting better. After I'm done with stretching, they put this clear liquid on the scarring. It makes the pain go away for a few seconds."

"Are you constantly in pain?" You ask, getting a warning beep from Arsix.

"No, no it's fine. It's not as bad as before. The thing about that weapon-a light saber-is that, it cauterizes as soon as it burns. It's just dealing with the aftermath..." His eyes trail off and he stands, putting his jacket up. "Did you need anything else or..."

You stand, anxiety growing in the pit of your belly. "No. I don't think so." You hold your jacket in your arms, feeling your eyebrows crease with worry. "Well, maybe." Are you really doing this, your conscience asks you continue. "Are you and Poe a couple?"

His eyes widen and Arsix rolls into your legs. You bite the inside of your cheek, the bang sounding hollow against shins. You would definitely bruise.

"Well... We... Did he say we are?" You hear the peak of interest in his voice and your heart sinks in response. "No. I was just being too curious." You pat Arsix's head. "I'll leave you to rest now." He reaches for your hand, wanting more information, like why were you asking in the first place, where did it come from, etc etc. But your heart picks itself up, the beating going to your ears. He's holding your hand!

You face him, now biting your tongue. All you can taste is the salty warmness of your blood. "Where did that come from though? Is that why you were 'ill' the other night?" His eyes search your face and you try to look away, swallowing hard. You're regretting asking that. You could have asked him if he liked you, but no. You asked a personal question.

"I... I just wanted to know because..." You let go of his hand, trying not to get too caught up in the moment. "I think I'm starting to like you and I don't want to if you already have someone."

* * *

He takes a step back, rubbing his chin. His dark eyes now look everywhere but at you and you wonder which hurts more, being too nosy or being rejected. "You like me? Like, like me like me?" Arsix beeps, letting him know how much you gushed over the note he wrote and the brief times before. "Like me like me," he mutters, sitting back on his bed.

"I should go." You whisper, backing up to the door.

"Poe and I aren't a couple as far as I know." Finn states just as it opens. You freeze, stepping forward so the door will close again.

"Okay."

He scratches his head, before motioning you over. Arsix swivels her head and watches as you sit beside him. You wonder, as absurd as it may sound, what she's thinking.

"Does this mean you'll start to like me even more now?"

You suck in a deep breath, shrugging. "I don't know... I hadn't planned on telling you anything." He looks uncomfortable and you wish he had just let you go. "I mean, do you seriously feel anything towards me?" You ask, finally gaining the courage to look at his face, his eyes.

He faces away from you, looking forward. Your stomach does flops as you wait for his answer, though the silence is loud enough. "You're a very nice person, and I do enjoy your time," he takes your hands in his, squeezing them gently, "but maybe we should take it slow." Your heart pangs against your chest at the statement. "And maybe, one day, we'll see where things go."

Your mouth dries up, and you're unsure how the planet Jakku got in there. He leans over, pressing his lips on your cheek. Your eyes widen at the gesture and you freeze. He pulls away, letting go of your hands.

"W-w-what was that for?" You stammer, unable to speak further.

There's a knock at the door and he stands, wincing. You watch, your mouth still open. It's one of your tech friends, who peer in briefly before informing Finn that the General needs him. They send you a quick smile before leaving.

"Can we talk later? As friends?" He asks, grabbing his jacket. Arsix beeps, bringing you back to your mind. "Y-yeah. I guess." You stand, though your legs feel like lead. Later can't come quick enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :') lol if u aren't aware, im coding the reader as black ~~like me~~


	7. It Will Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn feels something he doesn't know and the reader tries their best to comfort him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little angsty or w/e

You're standing with your friends listening as they chat about their day. There are no updates making their day boring. They don't ask about yours, yet as one chats about his new upgrades. He's so excited with gleam in his eye. It's taken him two weeks. Sitting down you hunch over your food. You want to look inconspicuous. You want Finn to come to you, as friends like he said but also you want him to forget the whole ordeal. You lied, you say, just playing a joke. A bad one. 

Arsix is the one who alerts you to his presence. She beeps him over, loudly shifting her weight to one arm to the other. Your eyes send daggers her way, wishing for once she stayed with the other droids. He comes over, with his tray. He smiles looking you dead in the eye. You curse, unable to look away. You friends greet him warmly before continuing their conversation. He sits across from you, his foot accidentally kicking yours. You kick your feet under your seat immediately. 

"(Y/N). You look well, friend." He stresses friend. 

Your eyes narrow and you shake your head. "Thanks, pal. You do too." 

Eavesdroppers next to you glance over to see what the strife is about if either of you would bring it up. You don't. 

* * *

"Follow me." 

You follow him blindly to the outside. He just looks up, staring at the sky above him. You wish that your home world had the view that D'Qar had of the stars above. It's always cloudy or the trees block the view. You can understand his awe. 

He turns to you, "The sky at Starkiller Base wasn't like this at all. It was just black, nothing to see, nothing to wonder at. Not like they'd give us time to anyway." 

"Sounds terrible," you reply, crossing your arms and he returns his gaze back to the sky. 

"It was... When I woke up, Poe explained everything to me. He was right there when I woke you know. He's such a good man."  You make a face at his back. "When I finally got to leave Medbay, I saw the sky for the first time. It was on accident. No it wasn't. But Poe wanted to show me something, I forgot what it was. But I just kept looking up and he let me stay distracted." He waves you to come closer and sighs. "You ever see something like this? Like whenever I can, I just. I want to know who did this? Who made the sky so vast. Who is everyone on every star like that one." He points to a spot. 

"They probably aren't on the stars. Too hot." 

"I know that. But you know what I meant." 

You nod and feel his arm go around your shoulders. You stop yourself from pulling away, liking this new weight. He's warm, and safe. "Have you been to many planets?" He asks you. 

"Yeah. My dad is a package dealer. Not like a smuggler, but he delivers things to different planets, systems. I went a few times. It's hard work, unloading his freighter, but it's worth it," you pause not wanting to ramble. He looks down when you stop giving a brief nod for you to go on. "When we had time, he would give me a tour of the place if he knew it. Most of the time, we weren't able too. He's not a part any bad business, like with the Hutts and the Guavian Death Gang. But you know you can’t trust trade with some people…” 

“What was your favorite place?” Finn asks, his arm leaving your shoulder. You’re sort of disappointed when you feel his arm at your waist. You smile, looking up at him. He’s not looking at you at the moment, only up. His eyes are filled with wonder and something else you can’t place. 

“This one planet was so green! And their water was actually blue like in little kid drawings. Their aquatic life was so big.” You remember looking at the glass ground and watching as a huge fishlike animal swam under your feet, shaking the building. The natives and your father pretended not to see it, while your eyes widened, your knees shaking. He hums and his arm leaves your side. You glance up at him again, wondering if you did another thing wrong. “You want me to take you to one, when you have free time?” You ask, searching his face for some answer to why he stopped touching you. 

“Maybe,” he says, mostly himself. He’s so quiet now, in thought. You pat his shoulder, deciding to let him be. 

* * *

You see him after your refresher, staring at his holopad intently. You’re happy your wet hair stops you from saying hello. He could wait. 

* * *

Knocking at your door wake you from a good dream; Finn accepting your feelings and you two were going to meet your family for the first time and instead of being embarrassing, they were bearable and Finn fit right in. You get up, ignoring the warning beeps from Arsix. The door opens revealing Finn. His eyes are still bleary and he’s visibly upset. You don’t say anything, only letting him in.

He sits on your bed, shaking his head. “Sorry to wake you.”

“It’s okay. I can sleep later,” You smile, sitting beside him. Sleep clings to you, but you’re awake enough to notice his toned arms and the way his legs look in his pajama bottoms. Your face heats, clenching your jaw. What did he want? “Is everything okay?”

“I can’t stop it.” 

“Stop what?” 

He touches his chest, his heart. “It aches. Ever since Jakku. Even more so when The Republic was destroyed. And now… There’s so much hurting.” 

You wipe your eyes, trying to clear your head.  “Explain the hurting?” You couldn’t follow. 

“I feel like I can feel things, but I don’t know what it is. It’s not there… And it’s not just sadness, but there’s a burning anger.” 

“Anger? That sounds sinister,” you reply, now tapping your chin. Your eyes widen as you realize your hair is wrapped up. Would he care and ask about it? You didn’t sleep it with it on often, like you were supposed to, but since you washed your hair, you had to. But he doesn’t notice, looking at the floor, trying to figure out whatever it is he’s feeling.

“But there are times when I find solace, like a light, more blinding than anything, and those stars, covers me and I feel at peace.”

“Have you told anyone else?” 

He shakes his head no. “I didn’t tell Poe because I still have other things to figure out. Like Rey, people tell me she’s okay and in my heart I know it. But I also know what my eyes saw.” The mention of Rey makes your heart panic. Rey from what you remember is also cool and could also be someone Finn can like more than you. 

“Rey is fine though. Don’t worry about her. But you should figure this out.” He yawns in response, lying back in your bed. You watch shocked. A boy, not just any boy. Finn, in your room, lying in your bed. At night.

“Can I sleep in here tonight?” You nod, a bit quickly. “Yeah, it’s fine.” He moves over so you can sleep beside him. “I don’t feel comfortable sleeping by myself tonight,” he explains rolling to his side to face you when you lie down. 

“I wouldn’t either. I’m sure General Organa will know what’s going on.” You roll to face him, seeing his warm brown eyes bear into yours. He’s trying to tell you more, but you’re unable to reciprocate. He sighs, frustrated and you lean forward, kissing his cheek.

“That was for earlier.” You whisper before turning around so he could face your back. He doesn’t say anything, only wrapping his arms around your waist. You close your eyes tighter when he buries his face into your neck. It’s nothing romantic or sexual, but you know he can feel your heart racing through your skin and Resistance night clothes. 

Before you reach sleep, you remember earlier and that look in his eyes. Wonder and sadness. Sadness was the word you couldn’t place. Your hand goes to the ones at your waist and give him a gentle squeeze. “It’ll be okay.” And for the first time you’re sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx 4 reading. i don't think i'll be able to update much since school started but i'll try.  
> also icymi, finn is force sensitive.


	8. The Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn figures out what's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully this is coherent. im sick and sleepy lol

You wake up with your head resting on his shoulder, your arm across his stomach. He holds you firm around your waist, lying on his back. You stop yourself from sitting up, liking this cuddling. You never were one to do it, never having anyone to cuddle with. He rolls over so he’s facing you, bringing you closer. He’s still sleeping, but your eyes widen and you squirm to get comfortable in this new position. His face is just inches from yours. You could kiss him if you wanted, but you stay in place, watching as he sleeps. His face is void of any emotion, his mouth slightly open and a small snore escaping them. It surprises you, not making him out as a snorer. You wonder what time it is, not hearing anything from Arsix. As soon as the thought passes, you hear the droid shift to be on her haunches. Her beeping quickly follows. It’s your alarm and you close your eyes tight, in case Finn wakes. You don’t want to alarm him with your staring and how close your bodies were.

“Deactivate alarm,” you say with your best sleepy voice. The beeping stops and you open your eyes. Finn’s awake, barely. He rubs his eyes, sighing. You watch, but not for long. You lift your head, seeing Arsix opening your drawer and taking out your uniform for the day. You sigh, bring your head back down.

“Good morning,” you say when you’re back down.

“Morning…” His hand returns to your waist. It’s just platonic, you tell yourself.

“Are you still feeling like before?” You ask, your hand going to his cheek. You repeat yourself, just platonic.

“It’s still there, but not like last night. I slept better with someone near.”

You only sigh. The bed isn’t big enough for two bodies, some nights barely enough for one. But you made it work, you wanted it to work last night. No matter where you rested, Finn still touched, still held you.

“Same,” you reply with a small smirk.

He sits up, looking at Arsix. “I didn’t know that droids could also be alarms.”

“They’re not supposed to be. She just does it because I tend to oversleep.” You don’t add of course that you woke up before the alarm and stared at him. He gets out of bed, pacing. You try not to stare again, disappointed with the lack of body heat.

“I guess I have to walk back to my room to get clothes,” he says, scratching his head coming to a stop.

“Yeah.” You take the scarf from your head and stretch.

“When I go see the General, can you come with me?” Finn’s voice is small, nervous.

You’re confused as to why but nod. “Of course. That’s what friends are for right?” Were you friends?

He smiles, the anxiety fading. “Meet me at the canteen?”

You nod again. “Breakfast first?”

“Yes. And then questions later.”

He leaves shortly afterwards and you lie back against your pillows. You can still smell him, the Resistance soap. A goofy grin comes to your face. Arsix beeps, pulling your uniform out of the drawers. “I know, I know. But he slept over, Ari… We cuddled.” Her beeps are short, curt. She doesn’t really care that much. You acted out of character yesterday and she still hasn’t forgiven you. You tear yourself from the bed and given in to her demands.

You untwist your hair first, frowning at the results. It’s not like how your mom did them before. She had a specific way, leaving the twist out voluminous and not crimpy looking like your own handiwork. You choose not to dwell on it figuring the curls would fall sooner than later.

* * *

You both eat in silence. His eyes trail off often and he barely looks at you, which bothers you. You don’t know why it bothers you so much, but you keep it to yourself. He barely eats too, and today they made these sweet biscuits that you knew he liked. He told you once before over dinner. Or did he tell Poe and you were sitting nearby? He pick at it today, eyes glazed over. You on the other hand, nervously eat everything and contemplate eating what’s left of his when he stands. “We should go before General Organa gets too busy.” You nod, picking up your empty tray.

The way there, you two still haven’t spoken much. Your tolerance lowers and you sigh. “You nervous?”

He looks a bit shocked that you’re asking, but he ducks his head and gives a shy nod. “What if something is legitimately wrong with me?”

“What do you mean by that?”

He doesn’t give his answer right away, frowning. “I’m not sure. I… I just don’t want to see like I’m more of an outsider.”

“Who says you’re an outsider still?” For all you knew, no one called him that in a really long time. The people who did were not a part of the Resistance.

“No one. Not out loud anyway,” Finn answers, keeping his head forward. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Well, if they do say it out loud, tell me. I’ll kick their ass.” The corner of his mouth goes up slightly. Your heart leaps at the small affection when the doors to the Commander Center open.

She’s monitoring some map of Ahch-To. Her brows are knit but she looks up when she notices the light from above. “Oh, Finn. I wasn’t expecting you until later.” She presses a button and the hologram disappears. “(Y/N) too? Is something wrong? Did your droid find out more information?” You shake your head, looking at Finn to say the words first.

She comes around and looks up at Finn. Their eyes meet in a quick moment, but it’s obvious she knows. Her eyes soften and her hands go to his cheek. You feel intruding, watching the silent interaction. She lets go of him and gestures for him to follow her. He turns to you and takes your hand. You unconsciously squeeze it, following them to a smaller room. It’s just the three of you and she sits in one of the chairs. Finn sits across from her and you stand awkwardly. He still holds your hand.

“I’m not trained in the Force like my brother. But I know it like the back of my hand,” the Princess stares at her hand, looking the youngest you’ve ever seen her. The grieving dark circles from under her eyes and the tired wrinkles seem to dissipate.

“I’m not Force-sensitive,” Finn states, letting go of your hand. “The First Order would know. They would have killed me sooner. Or made me work for them. For Kylo Ren.”

She nods, “The Force lies dormant in some people until something provokes it, makes itself known. Something woke inside of you,” she pauses leaning forward. “What woke you?”

You want to leave. You didn’t know anything about the Force besides the stories of the Jedi and Luke Skywalker, but other than that…

“I… It was just a panic attack, back on Jakku.”

“When you decided to leave?”

“No, I decided to run away when Phasma wanted me to report for inspection. Jakku was my last chance to prove myself on the real battlefield and I blew it. I can’t kill innocent people.”

“Then it was your panic attack. Your old report said that your friend died?”

You lean against the wall, your hand resting on his shoulder. He tenses for a second before relaxing under your touch. You couldn’t leave now that you knew he was using you as comfort.

You do feel however that the General is interrogating Finn rather than helping him if he really is Force Sensitive. Finn only nods. “Slip. He was probably my only friend…” Your heart breaks and Leia leans back.

“Trauma can bring the force out. And it becomes so much when people are killed, right?”

He nods, “I heard the screams from the Hosnian System. They turned my blood cold. I had to fight to save them.” She nods looking at you and then back at Finn. “I’m not like Luke. I’m not going to do whatever he’s doing to Rey and training her to be a Jedi-Knight. If you want that, I’m sure Poe can take you to them. Two more Jedi is still more than the Knights of Ren. But if you don’t want that, I can teach you how I manage, what I do when it gets too much.” Her voice is soothing. She reminds you of what an ideal mother should be right now, caring and loving. Understanding.

“Let me… Digest all of this,” Finn says, standing slowly. “I have to think this over.” It’s reasonable and you step back waiting on him to leave before you. He pauses, looking back at Leia. “Did you know already? Did you know when we first met?”

She locks her eyes on his and briskly nods her head. “I felt you before I ever met you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (': finn is force sensitive :') thx 4 reading!!! pls leave comments if can. im feeling iffy on the way i wrote leia :/


	9. He's Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squadron returns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> srry for the wait on this update. school and midterms are soon i can feel it :'))))))  
> y/l/n - ur last name

Their eyes stay on each other. You feel invisible. It’s not about you, you tell yourself. Finn’s mouth opens fixed to say something. Probably wanting to know what that meant. Didn’t Force-Sensitive people have bonds with others? That’s what you think you read once. “I need to think this over…” 

You follow him out, watching as he scratches his head, riddled with confusion. His shoulders tense and he stops. “(Y/N), can I be alone? I need to--” 

“As you wish.” Your heart quickens before sinking. You didn’t want to let him alone, yet. You had questions of your own, wanting to pick his mind. You don’t know anyone gifted with the Force who wasn’t a Skywalker. 

You watch as he disappears down the hall, calling his name before he turns a corner. Finn looks back though a little frustrated. “I’m here for you.” You can’t see his face clearly, but he gives a small nod before going.

* * *

Arsix rolls to you as you made your way to the hangar. You barely notice the droid, getting lost in your thoughts, idly twirling a twist. “No, I haven’t heard the news. What are you talking about?” You ask, touching the domed head. She beeps too fast for you to understand. It’s so unusual for her. She shifts, rolling to the hangar, trying to go fast.

You jog to catch up before you look and see the hangar full. Your eyes glue to a particular black X-Wing. Kriff, shit… You back up and leave quickly. Out of all the days… You don’t need this. Arsix doesn’t follow you, not even noticing your disappearance. 

You reach Finn’s door, seeing someone is already there to tell him the news. You slide in front, placing a wide toothy grin on your face. “Ah, Lieutenant (Y/L/N). You should get going to the hangar. The pilots have arrived from their mission. I was just coming to get Master Finn.” 

You continue to smile, “It’s okay. General Organa sent me to get him.” 

“Odd… She sent me.” 

“She also told me that she needed you back. She needs someone who can translate this text before C3PO.” 

They don’t look convinced but they back off. “Fine. I’ll see you at the hangar.”

When they leave, you rest against the door. The smile hurt your cheek. You turn to face the door, your heart in your ears. “Finn, it’s me… Um, the Black Squadron is back… So y’know, so is Poe. And that stuff.” His door opens, manually. You step back, not expecting to see him so close. 

“Are you worried about last night?” He asks, filling the frame.

“I… Yes. Because What if… What if you like him more?” You can’t bring yourself to that idea just yet. It’s a very real possibility that you just can’t bear. Poe’s older, ‘wiser.’ He could assist Finn more in realizing his Force sensitivity. Didn’t he mention once that he grew up around a Force sensitive tree? 

“I don’t know about that. Listen, (Y/N). Let’s take it one day at a time please? I just got told that I’m like Rey… The Force,” he touches his chest. 

“You’ll get through it though. You’re a strong man.” 

He chuckles in response. “No wonder Kylo Ren wanted to kill me. If his mother knew about me, then of course he knew as well…” He shivers at the thought, looking up when he hears footsteps. “That’s probably Poe.”

You make a face before patting his shoulder. “Can we talk later? Alone?” 

He nods. “Okay. Let’s meet here?” His room… You don’t swoon yet, but agree as you walk away.

* * *

 

You and Arsix stay in your room, shooting the breeze. She’s receiving an update in a few days and looks forward to it. “I do try my best to keep you the best. But it’s hard.” You slump on the floor. “I don’t feel like the best. Second best at most… Participation award mostly.” Arsix whirrs back, beginning to lecture you on your negative talk when there’s a knock on the door. You hop to your feet, hoping it’s Finn. He said to meet at his room, but you wouldn’t mind the change of plans.

The door parts, revealing Poe. He looks so tired but victorious and disappointed at the same time. What did you do now? “Lieutenant, you weren’t at the control center’s meeting? I heard that you were the one to get Finn at the General’s request, but when I asked her, she said she didn’t ask you. Though she did mention that you were with Finn last she saw you.” 

He enters and you sit on your bed, feeling like you were at home listening to your mother lecture you about leaving food out on the table. It attracted pests and predators that she didn’t need to deal with and it was wasteful. You know she has other mouths to feed.

“I… Got caught up with something. My mother. You know, she’s all alone at home because of my dad’s travels… Sometimes, she just needs to talk to me,” you shrug, trying your best to lie, keep it as realistic as possible. 

“Really? Arsix, is that true?” Your eyes widen and you send daggers to your droid when Poe turns his head. She didn’t actually know the reason you didn’t go. She still is unaware when you left. She beeps her truth and turns her head to you, sending you the daggers back. How could she lie if she didn’t know the truth. 

“I didn’t want to alarm you. You know how you get about my family,” you idly twist one of the curls around your finger nervously. Arsix loves your family, but whenever something dramatic happens, she always wants you to go home and fix everything. 

“Well I hope you fixed what you had to. The General also mentioned that you and Finn have been seen together a lot.” 

“She did?”  You’re still playing it cool, trying to keep that excited smile down. “We’re becoming friends I guess. He’s really nice.”

“He is. He did look for you too. That’s why I’m here actually.” 

You curse. Did Finn tell about the moment that shouldn’t have happened? Did he confess his feelings to Poe about really having them for him? Oh god, what did you do?! 

“He said that when I was gone, you were a big help to him getting adjusted to the Resistance. You didn’t act bummed not even once.” You were bummed while he was gone, but over something not related to the mission. He had Finn’s heart, attention… And you? Some pilot in too deep, but he did bring you up to Poe first.

“Oh, did he say anything else?” You hope to the maker he didn’t say anything about that night.

“He said that he’s trying to figure something out. He’ll tell me later when he understands it. Do you know what that means? He used to tell me everything.” Poe sounds genuinely hurt. 

You shake your head no. “I have no clue, Commander. But maybe you should give him space? Some things can’t be resolved with group discussion.”

You add mentally, ‘ _ You’re not gifted with the Force like my Finn. Your opinion won’t help any. _ ’ You’re already aware yours won’t either. 

“Huh, maybe you’re right. Anyway, tomorrow morning we’re having another meeting with the data we collected. I expect you to be there. On time.” He gives a small salute before leaving.

Tomorrow morning… On time. You scrunch up your nose. At least Finn mentioned you to Poe. You roll to your side, realizing he mentioned you to Poe. Does that mean..? Oh! Your heart swells and you grab your pillow remembering how last night you were so close to him! His arms! His face! You hope that he didn’t just talk about you because you weren’t there, but because he liked you. Like-liked you. You giggle to yourself, ignoring Arsix’s questions. “I think he likes me,” you whisper into the room. You hope that you’re right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks 4 reading :')


	10. Celebrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened during the mission is hinted at.

You go to the hangar seeing the bunker’s lights were on and people filtering in and out. You can’t gauge their emotions until you hear someone burst into laughter. Celebrations in there move into the hangar. You enter, seeing Karé sitting on one of the tables, her foot swinging back and forth. Jess sits next to her in the chair, her arm resting on Karé’s thigh. You feel a pang in your chest, jealousy. You want someone to look at you the way they look at each other.

Karé stands when she sees you. “Ah, you’re here! We were looking for you earlier. Finn said you weren’t feeling too good?”

“I’m fine.”

Her arms go around you, engulfing you in a deep hug. She’s the best hugger you know, putting all her feelings into it, no matter the situation. “I’m so happy to hear it. Where were you though?” Jess stands beside her and shakes your hand firmly.

“I had to go check on a few things. Family stuff.”

“Ah, I understand how that goes,” Jess replies with a shrug.

“So what happened?” You’re so curious; it’s eating up on the inside. All Poe mentioned was you missing the meeting and Finn talking about you.

“We didn’t find anything. Well… We did,” Jess looks away, unsettled. You curse mentally. If whatever they found is bad, it would be your fault. You wish Finn was here so you can complain. You stop the thought, remembering that he’s not yours and you aren’t his.

“Don’t worry, (Y/N). It was good that we did go…” Karé offers a friendly smile that you don’t return. The door opens again and you don’t turn to look, figuring it’s another pilot. “What’s in here anyway?” She points to a metal tin and chuckles, “Spoils, in a way.” Jess goes to sit back down.

“Celebrate, (Y/N). There’s only so many times to before the war ends.” You don’t like her pessimistic tone, but you get yourself a cup.

* * *

 

A cup turns into another, and then one more… Finn arrives during your fifth one. Or was it your sixth? No one stops you, drinking the same. Everything feels fuzzy. The conversation that you tried to keep with Karé and Jess tapers off. You don’t want to talk about future plans. You want to talk about your Finn, you mean, your friend Finn. You watch their lips move, Karé tells a story about Naboo. Jess is rapt, hanging onto every word. You watch as she licks her lips. The urge to leave overtakes you and you pat Karé’s arm.

“I’ll be back!” It’s a simple lie and she only flashes a smile before returning to Jess.

Your arms wrap around his waist when he’s talking to Poe. He’s so warm. He makes the world stop moving. Finn freezes for a moment, but pats your hands. He doesn’t remove your arms. It’s the first time you’ve hugged him. He’s so hard. You don’t know what you expected from a soldier of his caliber. You rub your face into his shirt. You’ve felt the Resistance uniform shirt so many times, but now… Even with his muscled body, it feels like more than you can describe. He chuckles, the vibrations against your face. His hands go to yours again, this time peeling them from his body.

“(Y/N), are you okay?”

Poe chimes in, “Did you over do the celebratory drinks?”

You don’t answer him, looking up at Finn. He’s so cute in this harsh lighting. The lights are so yellowy green. “Mmm, Finn. How are you feeling?” Your words mush together, but he figures it out. “I feel better. How are you though? How many drinks have you had?”

You stand on your toes, your hands resting on his chest. “I’m feeling warm… I don’t know how many drinks I’ve had.”

He shoots a look to Poe and sighs. “C’mon, (Y/N). We should probably get you to bed.”

“I’m not tired.”

“Well, let’s just go to your room and talk then.”

Your ears perk up. You want to do more than talking. “Okay then. Will I miss anything important?”

Poe shakes his head, “Serious stuff tomorrow. Finn,” he steps closer, whispering something in Finn’s ear. You make a whining sound, wanting to go already. Finn’s expression is serious as he nods, “Let’s go, (Y/N).”

* * *

In your room, you sit on the bed with a loud plop. He sits beside you, barely on the edge. “Are you going to take care of me?” You ask in a sing songy voice. “Do you want me to?”

You nod, a smile creeping on your face. “Be my nurse, Finn.”

He sighs, shaking his head. “What’s going on, (Y/N)? Are you usually a heavy drinker like this?”

You peer over at him. Why is he agitated? You didn’t do anything wrong. Or did you? “The mission was bad wasn’t it?” You murmur, remembering Jess’ face.

“Do you know what happened?”

You shake your head. “Karé said I’d learn tomorrow. But it was a failure, it’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not your fault.” His hand rests on your thigh, a reassuring touch that doesn’t last long. “They found traces of the colony… It’s been destroyed, but in the debris they also found plans for a bigger weapon. Pieces of it anyway. You did really great, (Y/N).” Your eyes lower, and you sniff. Why were you like this?

“I shouldn’t have drank so much… Finn, thank you for bringing me back to my room. I’m sorry that I took you away from the party though.” You lie on your side, the room spinning.

“It’s alright. You’re fine. You’re safe.” He pats your leg. “I’ll leave you be. See you tomorrow, okay?” You nod, watching as he goes.

You wish he stayed a little longer. On the other hand you’re happy he’s gone. You don’t want him to see you cry. Your lights dim off from the lack of activity and you close your eyes, feeling the tears brimming. You did great, really great. So why did you feel like the opposite?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! this is such a slow burn ha...


	11. You're Breaking My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn makes his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'( :') sorry for the delay. :'o the title is obvi from padme/anakin.

You open your eyes, feeling a sting right against your temple. You slowly sit up, rubbing your eyes, your face. You overdid it, but you weren’t sure if this migraine is drink related or if you had cried yourself dry. Arsix senses your movement and starts her morning routine, getting your things out. 

“Did I oversleep?” You ask, confused. She beeps back, no. You’re early, by an hour. “Should I go back to sleep then?” She hands you your uniform, scanning your face. She beeps no again once her scan completes. 

“Why not?” She lets out a long line of noise. You would sleep too hard, her alarm would not wake you up and you’d miss the meeting. Poe told her that you couldn’t miss this meeting. 

“I don’t know what he wants from me. Does he know about Finn and I?” She rolls away, making a snarky noise. 

_ What thing with you and Finn?  _

You ignore the comment, getting dressed. The throbbing above your eye didn’t cease. You’d deal with it later. You have an hour to kill anyway.

* * *

 

The walk to medbay doesn’t take long. Arsix suggests drinking fluids and taking it easy, but you want a solution now. Painkillers would help. The doctor’s face is kind, older, and they greet you with a warm smile. “What do you need today?” 

You motion to your head, “I have a really bad migraine. Woke up with it.” 

They frown with concern. They motion you over, getting a generator. You wince at the contact, the stinging. They know it’s a hangover, but don’t want to out you. You’re in enough pain. Once that’s over they had you bright yellow pills. “That should take care of it, okay?” You nod, taking the meds and leaving. You couldn’t be late to the meeting.

You get there early, seeing Poe talking with Snap. They’re whispering again and you rub your temple idly. 

“How’s your head?” Finn.

“It’s been better… I’m never drinking again.” You chuckle, turning to him. “How was your night?” 

“It was nice. I talked to Poe about a few things.” 

“The Force things?” You lower your voice when you ask. 

He nods, “He told me about this tree his parents planted. Apparently it’s a force sensitive tree from a Jedi temple. That’s so amazing.” 

You roll your eyes. Of course he did. “He also suggested that I hone in on my sensitivity… That I become a Knight like Rey.” 

Your mouth opens. “But isn’t that dangerous?” You know the real question you want to ask.  _ But won’t that take you away from me? _

He shrugs, “I want to do something about my gift. I don’t just want to feel it. But use it.” 

Finn drops the subject when Poe walks over. “Buddy, how are you this morning? Did you sleep well?” You grimace. He’s louder than he needs to be. You wonder if he does this because of your hangover. 

“I slept alright. I’ve been thinking about the things you said.” You cross your arms, waiting on the Commander to acknowledge you, which he still doesn’t. “Well, I can take you wherever you want to go, Finn. I’m always here for you.” For a second, Poe’s eyes dart to you before going back to Finn. You couldn’t believe that you were competing with Poe. Finn instinctively rubs the small of your back. Chills run through your body. “(Y/N), how’s your head? Poe and I were worried.” He repeats the question, this time for Poe to hear you guess. 

“I’m fine. I went to get some painkillers from the bay.” He removes his hand, smiling. “Okay.”

“This meeting is going to brief by the way. Snap and I were talking and we have to get some things cleared by General Organa.” You and Finn nod, as a lieutenant comes to Poe. More news for the commander and he goes away.

“Are you really going to go? I mean, you could see how Leia uses her Force. Find other ways to use the Force…” You couldn’t bring yourself to ask him to stay. Stay for you. He gives you a warm smile. “Don’t worry, (Y/N). I’m still figuring out what I’m going to do.”

* * *

 

Poe’s right when he makes it brief. They did find the remnants of civilization, but from the looks of it, the First Order ended it when they tried to revolt. Finn looks dismayed at your side. Subtly, you interlace your fingers with his. It’s to calm him and his squeezes your hand back. “But I did find this emblem. I know it fortunately. It’s a smithing guild that belonged to the New Republic. They give every piece coordinates and you can figure out who made it just by logging it. We’ll be able to do that and hopefully the smith wasn’t destroyed by the weapon.” 

Snap steps in. “That’s all we can tell for now. The celebrations last night were because other than finding a lost land, we did in the debris find other information like this emblem. The more we find, the better place we will be in for the next battle.” 

“We’ll keep you updated as we move forward.” Poe’s eyes are on the door. General Organa had stepped in while they were talking. Now was their time, you guess.

Slowly everyone filters out. You head to your room. Since the next mission hasn’t been assigned, you figure you can sleep. “(Y/N)!”

It’s Finn still. You turn and he catches up to you. “Why don’t you want me to go?” You kick yourself. You did make it obvious… 

“I don’t want you to get hurt. And with Kylo Ren… What he did to you.” Though he did stay in the bacta tank, he had those scars. “Next time, he won’t be so lucky. That’s why I think I should go.” 

“Finn,” you start, hearing how your voice gets so needy. You want to kiss him. He touches your cheek. It’s friendly, not romantic. “Trust me… I’m going to talk to Leia about it before I finalize my decision okay?” You nod, still unsure how you feel. “Take care of yourself.”

You don’t bother watching him go, feeling your heart sink in your chest like stone. You’re afraid the pounding will break your chest open. Why is this hurting you?

* * *

 

Arsix wakes you for lunch. She doesn’t want you to miss another meal especially with your ‘illness.’ She beeps the whole way, talking about the emblem and the new plans. There hadn’t been a new meeting while you slept. She simply overheard in the hangar and confirmed with BB-8. You scrunch up your nose, wondering why you were getting excluded from news. You hope it isn’t because Poe is jealous of you and Finn. He didn’t like you like that.

You see Finn, though he’s not alone. He’s never alone. He’s with C3PO and Poe. You try to stay hidden, knowing he’d invite you over. It doesn’t work and you wonder if it’s Force sensitivity as he waves you over. He doesn’t smile, looking somber over his food. You don’t smile either, expecting the worse news. Poe gives you the one over as you sit, trying to figure out why he invited you to this important conversation. 

“I’m going to Ach-To.” 

You choke on your spit, coughing too hard. The pain in your chest heightens. You don’t know if you can breathe. “I think it’s a smart decision. Finn, you have to be careful though. Kylo Ren is still out there. He’s still looking for Luke and knows that Rey, the Resistance, is there with him. You have to be on high alert.” 

Your eyes dart to Poe. Can’t he see that you’re dying? Can’t Finn see it too? “(Y/N), I wanted to tell you in private, but--” 

“What if you die?!” You realize how dramatic you sound, knowing you could die at any moment. 

“I can take care of myself. This is just another obstacle I have to get over. I’m doing this for me.”

You don’t want to get upset, but it’s too late. Poe glances back at you two before standing. “Come on buddy. We have to go tell the General.” 

“The Princess will want to know this.”

“Why do you care so much anyway? Don’t you want me to get better? I’ll be a better person. I’ve only heard terrible things about the Jedi, but my eyes are open, my heart is open. I want to be able to accept this, The Force, and help keep the universe safe from the First Order.” 

“I just want you safe!” 

“How can you be wanting that if you want me to stay in one spot? At least Poe wants me to grow.”

Your mouth drops and you struggle keeping yourself from crying.

You can't look at him, tension growing. Why did he have to say that. Why did he choose Poe over you? The answer is obvious and you know it, clenching your fist. Though everyone around smiles, talking to their friends, you wonder if they can see your heart breaking. “I didn’t choose him over you.”

“It really fucking feels that way.” He stares over at your face and you bite your lip keeping yourself contained. You don’t know if it’s the residual hangover or if your emotions are naturally high. “I don’t want to hurt you, (Y/N).” His hands rest on your fist. “I don’t ever want to hurt you.” His words are sincere, but your heart pounds too hard in your chest for you to care. 

“Please look at me.” 

You barely do, out of the corner of your eyes. “I’m doing this for me. Not for Poe, not for the General… It’s something I’m actually doing for myself for once,” he pauses, his hand moving up to your shoulder. He wants you to face him. You reluctantly turn, and he brings his lips to yours. It’s quick and you think it’s imagined. His lips are soft from what you felt, his nose slightly bumping yours. 

Finn can’t meet your eyes now, pushing his tray up. “I’m going to get ready then.” You glance around the canteen, seeing if anyone saw what you just witnessed, felt against you. “Finn, can we talk before you go? Abo--” 

He nods, walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks 4 reading....


End file.
